In times of questioning… part 2

Here I pick up where I left off.

Our cat passed away, my husband has just recovered from the flu, one of my daughters missed 3 days of school due to fever, and another had a fever today as well.

I heard the truck pull into the driveway after my husband and daughter left Friday morning for school.  I wondered what was wrong.   On the way out of our driveway, our eldest daughter saw our guard dog Shadow, lying lifeless on the road in front of our mailbox.  He NEVER went out of our gate. He NEVER left the property. Sweet Shadow was gone. Gone were the late night barks on alert. Gone was the goofy galloping, as he ran to us when we called…2 days after burying Mr. Pickles, we were burying another one of our pets.

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Gone.

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In our sorrow, we were thankful. Thankful that a friend had loaned us his tractor so that we could shred our property. Thankful that we were able to bury this sweet boy more easily in the parched, rock filled soil. “How much more Lord?” was a resounding question in our hearts.

I apologize for being so sorrowful, but as I said in the first post, these last few weeks have been tough.

Transparency.

That is what I offer you.

Here tonight as tears slide down my cheeks, I trust.  I trust in God.  I trust. He knows each one of our needs.  He knows that I may, after 13 years of not working a full-time job,  may have to place the kids back in school and get a full time job.  This isn’t a surprise to my Heavenly Father.

The truth? I’m scared.

Scared of giving up the blessing of being a stay at home mom, to become a full-time working mom.  People do it all the time.  I just never thought that I would need to.  Times change.  Home insurance goes up. Health insurance goes up. Cost of living goes up.

My eyes lift toward heaven as I pray.

Psalm 121:1-8

1 I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
         From where shall my help come?

2My help comes from the LORD,
         Who made heaven and earth.

3He will not allow your foot to slip;
         He who keeps you will not slumber.

4Behold, He who keeps Israel
         Will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The LORD is your keeper;
         The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

6The sun will not smite you by day,
         Nor the moon by night.

7The LORD will protect you from all evil;
         He will keep your soul.

8The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
         From this time forth and forever.

http://biblehub.com/context/psalms/121-1.htm

 

It is all going to be ok.  It will.  God will provide as He always has.

“What is Your will Father?” When all else seems to be lost in the time of confusion, one must ask, “Will You clear the way?” He has promised to do so.

So.

I.

Trust.

Psalm 20:7

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.”

http://biblehub.com/psalms/20-7.htm

We trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Wherever you are on your journey, I pray that you don’t feel alone.  I pray that you will be able to lift your eyes up.  Lift your face to the Creator.  He loves you.

Lord, to all who carry a heavy burden of grief, fear, shame or loss, please comfort them. Please hold them tightly and allow them to feel Your presence as they never have before. Love them deeply with Your love everlasting.  In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

Love and hugs,

Tara

 

 

 

In times of questioning… Part 1

In this time of questioning, one must ask, “What is Your will Father?” When all else seems to be lost in the time of confusion, one must ask, “Will You clear the way?” Yet, here I sit typing away wondering about the days to come. Not because I doubt His plan for us, rather what do I do to be obedient to Him.  When you don’t know what to do, what is the best option? Wait. Wait. Wait.  Wait until His path is illuminated. Wait until He tells us what to do. What until there is peace in the decision-making process.  So how am I going to do that??? I don’t honestly know.

These past few weeks have been really hard.  Challenging and frustrating. Scary and sorrowful.

I homeschool two of our three children. We have had an amazing year. A quote from Charles Dickens comes to mind, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” Homeschool can be just that! Amazing and wonderful most days, but there are days I want to snatch them bald to be perfectly honest.  (They still have all of their hair 😉

Last week, my daughter’s computer crashed.  The one that she has been using for all of her school curriculum. In my 40+ years, I have NEVER had a computer crash. Needless to say, we lost everything. Why now?

We had some options. Option 1 was send the hard drive to a team of specialists in a white room where they would take apart every little minute piece of our hard drive to try to save the data, to the cost of $600-$1000.  Or option 2, (which we chose) was to replace the hard drive and lose everything.  EVERYTHING! All of her work since August was gone.

That left us with a very creative fun week of letter writing, cooking and library trips, to check out our weekly 60 plus books.  Though the computer was returned in perfect working order, I am bummed about the loss of her hard work.

We then received word that our health insurance policy was expiring, and they were not going to be renewing our policy. WHAT? Ok. Now what?  After doing research, finding an agent, and meeting at a local restaurant, we find that our income doesn’t support the need we have.  Swallow. Deep breath. God has this under control. He really does. Yes. He. Does. I continually tell myself. HE DOES. Full time work may be calling me out of the home.  God knows. He does.

That same week, my littlest runs in from the shop yelling that there is something wrong with one of our cats.  He had been sick, but not for long, and I had a feeling that Mr. Pickles wasn’t going to live much longer. Within moments of that conversation, he had passed away.  Sadly, their little hearts were throbbing in and their cries of hysterical pain echoed across the open area between the shop and our home.

Typically we have to bury an animal quickly, but daddy wasn’t home and I couldn’t break the rocky ground with the shovel. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t get a hole started. The questions came from the kids, “Why did this happen to Mr. Pickles?” “Why couldn’t we have one more week?”

Helping children whilst crying yourself, isn’t always effective.  Through the tears and struggle, we made it through the day. Daddy came home and we buried Mr. Pickles.img_1054

I will close this post by saying this, life isn’t easy. Pain comes and hearts that once beat strongly, are snuffed out. Exhaustion is getting the best of me so I will close. Part 2 will not be far behind.

May you find solace in the One who catches every tear in a bottle.  Psalm 56:8 “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”

I know we have been covered in prayer and seek that same solace.

Blessings,

Tara