WHY?

I toyed with different ideas for a blog post name.  “TOADally Shocking” or “Caught in a Trap” or “Why would she bring a toad into my house?” I settled on just “WHY”

Well, let me just say that at 11:30 pm when you are in that in between bliss of awake and asleep, a shrill ear-piercing scream and a knock on our bedroom door, awakened my husband and annoyed me!

“MOM! DAD!  There is a toad in this bucket!” My first question to my middle child was, “Why do you have a toad in your room at 11:30 at night?”  She responded saying it wasn’t her and she just heard a flopping around and didn’t know what it was. She leaned over her bed and screamed because there it was in all its glory, an old toad.  Her cat was enthralled, and our daughter grabbed it and ran to our room to tell us.  I wondered why she just didn’t put it outside and tell us in the morning, but this was need to know!

I said it was probably the youngest child because I had seen her playing with two toads right before bed.  Yes. You read that right. TWO toads.

I went to bed after asking the youngest daughter if she brought a toad into the house and put it in her sister’s room.  In her sleepy sweet voice she said, “No! Why would I put it in her room? That would be dumb!” and she fell back to sleep.

Fortunately, my sweet hubby went back to sleep and I sat up and talked with our eldest for a bit.

This morning I was up at 5:45 doing my workout, making breakfast and I heard a screechy thumpy noise.  At first I thought it was coming from our refrigerator because it was in that area.  (We recently had a little tiny mouse that was caught and taken care of.)  I left a trap out for good measure.  I looked down and saw a toad leg trying to escape the side of the fridge area.  Yes. It was a toad stuck on a glue trap!  UGH!

I went back to her room as she lay there so peacefully and I asked her again in a different way, “Did you bring toads into the house?” “UM. No.” She answered sleepily.  Then the thought hit me, “Sweetie, if you were to bring a toad into the house, where would you hide them?” “In my windowsill.” was her reply.  There in her windowsill was the empty box that housed the “mother and son” toads from last night.  Of course, it was empty, minus the old sock that was to be their comfortable bed.  I hear her under the blankets, “Man! I knew I should have taped the box shut!” I told her that toads belong outside and she let me know that she wanted them to be safe from being killed by birds.  Long story short, the toad was saved safely from the trap. BOTH toads were released outside.  Sleep was stolen and a lesson was learned.

I HOPE!

Good night and good morning mother and son toads.  You are free to live outside my home!!!!!

I am ready for a nap!

Love y’all!

Tara

But God…

Do you ever find yourself asking, “But God why? Why did You let this happen to me?”

But God, why are my kids or spouse this way?”  “But God why did I respond this way?”

I have asked the first, second and third questions! 🙂

The first though, was one I have asked my whole life. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I have cried out to Him many times asking just that! “But God why…”

Through some counseling a few years back, I have come to the conclusion that I wasn’t alone when it happened.  God never intended it to happen. It happened because of someone else’s sinful choice.   When the counselor asked where God was in my horror, I hadn’t ever thought of that.  Sitting there,  I began to go back and wonder that myself.  A very vivid mental picture came to mind.  Jesus was sitting there weeping. Since God didn’t make us robots, we came with free will.  The person who hurt me has free will. When I yell at my kids, that is my free will choice.  If people hurt me with comments,

Image result for but god demonstrates his love for us in this

unkind words, or a cold shoulder, those are all free will choices.He died for my sins, and the sins of everyone else!

I am certainly not dismissing what he did to me as OK, or even comparing sins.  It is very real the pain that was caused and scars are still there.  For some reason, that thought of Jesus weeping over a broken 5-year-old girl brought great peace and freedom.  Freedom from the hate, freedom from the fear and freedom from forgiveness.

 

I still struggle with situational fear and panic for my children or myself, and I struggle with self loathing. Perhaps these things are tied to this. I ask God to help me and He does!  

But God… What someone intended to harm me, He is using for good.  I see this not as a blessing in the way that I suffered, but an opportunity to share and help in someone else’s healing.

Redhead girl with umbrella and suitcase at outdoor

His promises remain true.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 5:8

Thank you Lord for loving me, holding me, comforting me and healing me.  Thank you for using things for Your purpose though it was so painful to me! You are always present in times of trouble.  Thank you for loving me in my sin and for holding me when others have hurt me. Please forgive me for my sins. I also ask Lord that you would bring freedom and healing through this post.

In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen

Hugs my friends!

Love,

Tara